Sexual incompatibility is the number one killer of intimacy in relationships.

Couples may fight about money and not agree on religion or politics but disagreements in those areas pale in comparison to the many ways sex problems will mess with your love life.

Marie and Ben came to me asking for help with their relationship. Still newlyweds, they had been married almost one year.  They dated for two years prior and did not live together until after they married. The initial horny, lusty, infatuation period has run its course and Marie is not as amorous as she used to be.  In the beginning, every time they’d see each other they’d be all over each other. Two lovebirds… Holding hands. Have to sit next to each other at café’s and restaurants, thighs touching. His hand on the small of her back, a finger snaked down the waist of the skirt. Her lips on his neck, rubbing her cheek on his chest, a hand cradling his upper thigh, sometimes both hands on him. Lots of flirty eye contact and smiles.  Now- they rarely kiss. They sit across from each other at the table, avoid eye contact, look at their phones and rarely hold hands. He stopped opening doors for her too.  They occasionally have intercourse, but it’s been months since they had great sex. If Ben doesn’t initiate, it doesn’t happen. 

The honeymoon is over and the intimacy is in the toilet.

Because Marie stopped being overtly sexually affectionate, Ben got the feeling that she was no longer attracted to him.  He’s wondering why she no longer flirts with him or initiates affection.  He loves her to pieces and spoils her with gifts and credit cards but she’s just gone cold in the intimacy department.  Besides that, they get along well.  Both work long hours and are tired at the end of the day but that was never a problem when they were dating. 

They are both wondering what went wrong. 

“Where do you think you lost that hot, intimate, loving connection that was there for both of you not so long ago?” I asked. 

Marie, “I don’t know.  I think we just let sort of let things get in the way. Ben got promoted to Sales Manager and that meant him working longer hours. Coming home late. Often having to entertain clients till all hours. Travel. Conferences. Not having any time for me. He doesn’t even invite me to join him at out of town conferences! I feel lonely and like I’m not as important to him as his job.  He used to bring me flowers and sweet cards for no reason. He was so romantic!  Now, it seems the only time he really pays any attention to me is when he wants to get laid.  Sorry, but I need more from my partner than that! I need to feel loved, and emotionally close, and appreciated! Ben, you’re always pre-occupied with work and other stuff and never have time for me!”

Ben, the flush working up to his cheeks, explained his side, “Yeah. I’m working my ass off so we can live the dream. She wants for nothing. The house, the cars, a closet full of designer clothes and whatever she wants and all she can do is complain that I’m ignoring her.  If that’s not enough, when I do try to be affectionate and I mean genuinely affectionate and not groping – she gives me the cold shoulder. When I ask her what’s wrong she tells me that if I really love her, I should know. Of course I love her but how the hell am I supposed to just automatically know what’s wrong unless she tells me?” 

Marie rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, sinking back into the chair cushion, “Ugghhh…. Because you just should.  We’ve been together 3 years and you know how I am! At least you seemed to know how to woo me when we started dating and you wanted me to fall in love with you.  You knew the things to say and do then.  But now? We’re just like a boring old married couple.”

Taking a long, slow, deep breath, Ben composed himself so he could say what was really on his mind as diplomatically as possible instead of coming across like an angry jerk, “You know what, Marie? Do you ever stop to consider how exhausted I am when I finally get to come home to you? Do you ever think about greeting me with a big, sexy hug and kiss when I walk in the door like you’re really happy to see me? Do you have any idea how much I would appreciate that? To know that you desire me the way I desire you. I mean, I look at you and I fall in love with you every day! I want to distract you from your bad day and take you in my arms and make love to you and make you feel so good! But you shut me down unless I practically beg you to let me have sex with you. And now, it’s feeling like “just sex” because I don’t get any indication from you that you are really wanting me. I mean truly wanting me and not just placating me with allowing me to fuck you so you can check sex off your weekly chores list.  Feeling wanted? Baby, it’s a two-way street.”

Marie started to shut down.  Wiping away tears, she turned her head away from us. Her head shaking left to right as if saying “no” as she covered her mouth and nose with the tissue.  Ben reached over to her, touching her shoulder, she recoiled and shrugged him off.  He looked at me, totally at a loss as to what to say or do.

Ben and Marie were lucky.  They asked for professional help and were willing to be vulnerable and do the hard work to get past the hurt feelings and big egos.  With my guidance, they were able to break the “Misery Loop” and change their relationship dynamic from both feeling frustrated and resentful to becoming even more in love with each other than before.  Because of the hard work and the willingness to be vulnerable and supportive of each other instead of continuing to be defensive and on the attack, they found they could trust each other in ways that fostered deeper intimacy and better sex than they had ever known before.

If they hadn’t sought help and wanted to work on the relationship, Ben and Marie might have ended up divorced like Chloe or looked outside their marriage like her husband, George, to find what was missing in the intimacy and sex department.   

George left Chloe for his younger, hotter secretary after twenty-five years of marriage. He also confessed to numerous affairs starting after the first five years of marriage. Chloe came to me in tears. Angry, in denial, feeling betrayed, and hating all men because of what George did to her, she recognized that feeling like this could last forever and keep her from finding a man who would truly love and appreciate her. But first, she needed to do some work on herself to get past the hurt and the baggage that came with it. 

Not counting sex addicts, most people who cheat do so because they desperately need what is missing at home.  For men, they often stay married because they have too much to lose or they truly love their wives and respect that the wife has completely lost her sex drive.  In George’s case, he truly loved Chloe so he filled in the blanks as he could with affairs.  He had needs for affection and the shared sexual bond. Just because Chloe, for whatever reasons, seemed completely uninterested in sex didn’t mean he should be forced to do without it. He simply pieced his life together in a way that worked for him. As long as Chloe didn’t get hurt, he felt completely justified in taking care of his needs privately. Except, he didn’t plan on falling in love with his secretary.  It seemed so “cliche’” but it was it was what it was and he deemed it too wonderful to go without feeling that way for the rest of his life. George reached his tipping point and off he went.

For women, there are so many reasons but mostly they shut down before menopause due to emotional/relationship problems that interfere with their ability to feel attracted to their mate. In Chloe’s case, the turning point came after they started their family.  Chloe was exhausted from motherhood and housekeeping duties. She was simply too pooped to pucker when George was feeling amorous.  He knew she was exhausted from taking good care of his kids but still, he needed special time with Chloe too.  After repeatedly getting shut down, George became frustrated.  He started to lash out verbally, calling her names and belittling her in front of friends.  He didn’t mean to say hurtful things, but he also didn’t have the nerve to confront her directly about the problem in their sex life or, more accurately, lack of sex in their relationship. Instead, without realizing it, he became passive aggressive with his behavior to let her know he was hurt and angry at being sexually rejected by her.

To Chloe, his remarks cut deep. They were mean and made her feel even worse about her body after having children.  No longer flat-bellied and firm, the extra flab and skin on her abdomen, stretch marks and sagging breasts after breastfeeding devastated her physical appearance self-esteem.  She hated how she looked and was sure he was repulsed by her appearance too.  She didn’t want to find out for sure, so she began to insist on making love only in the dark. Of course, that was only when she wasn’t too tired.

Most women I’ve worked with tend towards needing a deep, emotional bond with their partner in order to consider having sex with them.  They believe sex can only be had within the boundaries of a loving, committed, monogamous relationship. 

For men, it’s usually much more compartmentalized. The biggest compartment is their need/desire to bond with their woman through amazing sex.  They want their woman to feel as good as they do. They want to deliver an eye rolling, breath catching, melting, toe curling, back tingling, surging, building, edging, explosive release sex like they do. AND, they want their woman to express sexual desire for them too because it gets old and tiresome to always be the one to initiate sex. Sadly, for most women, they don’t even know what it feels like to enjoy an orgasm, let alone an explosive “completely lose yourself” orgasmic experience. This could very well explain their comparative lack of enthusiasm and diminished or non-existent sexual appetite.  In other words, you can’t get excited about what you have never experienced or don’t know about. 

It’s also hard to feel sexually confident and freely seductive if you’ve believe in a lot of sexually repressive rules of conduct as is typical with a heavily patriarchal religious or cultural influence.  

That’s where I come in to help to re-educate, introduce new perspectives, inspire minds to open up and re-connect hearts with deeper intimacy and love than they knew was possible.  “They” say lust doesn’t last and I’m here to tell you that does not have to be the case if you are mutually committed to keeping it alive. I know for a fact that you can keep lust alive and thriving, especially within long-term relationships!

“How?” you ask.

Once upon a time, there was a fella named Pavlov. Ivan Petrovich Pavlov was a Russian physiologist who  did research on behavior and whom the term “Pavlovian Response” was named after. In a nutshell, what that means is: If there is a desirable reward for a behavior or activity then the subject will repeat the behavior or activity that earns the reward as often as possible.”  For most of us that translates to becoming creatures of habit because we know if we do A, we will get B and we really really like how we feel when we get B so we’re going to keep coming back to do A as often as possible.  This is also called conditioned behavior.

It’s the same with intimate relationships or, better described as relationships that include sex as an important component to all parties of the overall relationship.  (I leave the description of the overall relationship fairly vague on purpose as there are more variations to relationships besides a traditional, monogamous M/F duo. )  Anyhow, as long as the parties involved keep romancing and flirting and doing what I call emotional foreplay between playdates, the sexual tension and hot anticipation will result in sustained desire for each other.  Desire is the best aphrodisiac.  Who can resist what they desire most?

They also say it’s crazy to expect different results by doing the same things over and over. You can’t get to a better place by staying where you are.  If you could fix your intimacy and relationship problems yourself you might have done so but you haven’t yet so maybe there’s good reason to ask for help from a professional who most likely knows some things that can help – especially someone with strong leadership skills who’s exceptionally open to alternative solutions and non-judgmental when it comes to sex, intimacy, dating, and relationships.  Someone like me. 

Ready to get back that Loving Feeling for each other? Make it Magic again?

Book your complimentary discovery session today to see if we are a good fit to work together. If you are committed to changing what doesn’t work, are coachable, coming with an open-mind and willing to be vulnerable and do the hard work on yourself, then I will consider working with you to get the love life you truly deserve and desire.

Contact me today to book your complimentary 30-minute exploratory session. In person (within the Greater Newport Beach Area) or online video (Zoom).