General
Why People Avoid You
I’m not going to sugar-coat it. I’m not going to lie. If people are consistently not “coming back for seconds” with you, it’s not just your bad breath.
Most likely you are doing one or more of these things that totally turn people off. You aren’t making lasting friendships with new people and first dates go nowhere. You wonder where all the good people are!
The reality is – the kind of people you want to have in your life are are everywhere. I’m talking about the people who have positive attitudes, are kind, caring, compassionate, intelligent, and so on. They value like-minded people and they value their own time and energy. In fact, they are extremely protective of it and choose to not allow people in their lives who exhibit these types of behaviors:
- The Qualifier
- The Complainer
- The Baggage Collector
- The One Who Won’t Shut Up
- The High-Maintenance Woman
The Qualifier
AKA the Gold-Digger
Ask any man over 40 what the number one thing women seem to want to know first about them before giving them any attention and the answer is, overwhelmingly, “How am I doing financially.” In other words, when a woman immediately starts asking questions designed to determine if the guy makes enough money to provide her with the lifestyle she wants, it’s a huge turn-off. As much as women complain that men only want sex, men feel just as objectified when it comes to a woman wanting to know how much money he makes before taking any time to explore who he is as a person.
Instead of being so obvious by asking what he does for a living, what neighborhood he lives in, trying to find out if he pays a ton of spousal support to his ex, or anything that seems like you are trying to determine if he’s got enough money to make him worthy of dating – ask him what he likes to do in his spare time.
Does he have any hobbies or interests? He may share with you that he’s a classic car enthusiast, is into art, is a serious cyclist, likes to ski, or maybe he is involved with some philanthropic foundation. Those are all indicators that he may be well-heeled or cultured enough to show you a good time.
If, on the other hand, he says a good weekend is watching football and eating on his couch, or hanging with his friends shooting pool at the local sports pub then you might find some common ground if you like to do those things too.
Then, there’s the guy who says he’s just looking for true love and want’s a serious relationship and eventually marriage with a wonderful woman like you. Run.
The Complainer
AKA The Victim
Asking, “How was your day?” is an open invitation for The Complainer to launch into a ten minute diatribe about all the things that went wrong from the time they woke up on the wrong side of the bed to the rude clerk at the grocery store to the deli not having the kind of pickles they like to what their cousin three times removed did to them at that family picnic twenty years ago. The focus is always on what went wrong or is wrong.
When the other person shakes their head and offers some sympathy or starts to tell a story of their own to build rapport, The Complainer cuts them off and says something to the effect of “I had something similar happen to me but count your lucky stars because my thing was far worse … ” In other words, The Complainer is certain that nothing the other person has experienced is as bad as what they had to go through.
Complainers tend to be ultra-sensitive and get their feelings easily hurt. They are full of stories about folks who done them wrong. At restaurants, they are extremely critical of everything – from the waiter to the way the food is arranged on the plate.
“Woe is me” is their motto. If it wasn’t for back luck, Complainers would have no luck at all. Complainers, always the victim, thrive on sympathy.
Nobody wants to hang out with a Debby or Danny Downer.
The Baggage Collector
Nobody wants to hear all about what your ex put you through or what a miserable jerk they were or any of that on a first meeting. Or any meeting, for that matter.
N O B O D Y.
Stop it.
Seriously. Stop running your mouth off saying negative things about other people who are/were close to you because nobody really cares and nobody wants to get involved with someone who trash talks others.
Trash Talking your Ex(s) makes you look stupid, petty, and mean because the fact of the matter is that you chose to be in a relationship with the other person and if you chose an awful person, that’s saying a LOT about your judgement and your standards.
Instead, just say it (the relationship with the awful person) was a learning experience that would be a buzz-kill to talk about and you’d rather focus on all the things you have to be grateful for in your life today such as getting to know the person you are with right now.
The ONE WHO WON’T SHUT UP!
While it’s normal to be a nervous talker when meeting someone new, especially someone you want to impress, it’s dreadfully dull to have to listen to someone who just goes on and on and on and on and never shows any interest in the other person.
A “Getting to know you” conversation is like playing volleyball or tennis. You have to keep sending the ball back and the better both parties are at the back and forth, the more interesting and dynamic the conversation will be.
Instead of trying to seem interesting by talking endlessly about yourself and your accomplishments, it’s far better to show interest in the other person. Ask them questions about their interests. Ask for recommendations on places to go and things to do whether it’s local or travel destinations.
One of my favorite questions is to ask some version of what their favorite three things are such as travel destinations, restaurants, movies, books, or whatever is appropriate for the situation. These are excellent opportunities to gain insight on the other person and let’s you decide if they are someone you want to see again instead of trying too hard to get them to like you.
The High-Maintenance Woman
You are dressed to the nines. Heels. Perfect hair. Lash Extensions. Mani. Pedi. Name-brand bag, Everything about your appearance is perfect. What man would not find you stunningly attractive?
Unless a man is mostly looking for an arm-candy bimbo, the woman who thinks she has to have the perfect body, the perfect makeup, the lash extensions, the Botox, the fillers, flawlessly-styled hair, and the latest fashions in order to be attractive is not going to appeal to most men who are looking for an intelligent, confident, kind, and fun woman to fall in love with.
You may have all those traits but few men will expend the effort to find out because they are going to take one look, put their hand on their wallet, and run away as fast as they can.
I’ve asked hundreds of men what they really want in their women and it goes something like this:
- Most men want a woman who THEY find attractive. They prefer clean skin or minimal make-up to tons of make-up, lash extensions, stenciled eyebrows, etc. They want a woman who is confident, comfortable in her skin, and equally at ease naked, in jeans and a t-shirt, or a little black dress.
- Most men want a partner who is fun to be with. They want a friend AND lover who loves to have great sex with them.
- And finally, they want a woman who won’t bust their balls. (i.e. nagging, demeaning, unchecked anger, critical and general emasculating words and behavior)
Here’s another tip… Want to know why men actually prefer a “6” to a “10”?
6’s with great personalities are a lot more fun than superficial 10’s. At least that’s the male perception. 6’s are not ugly but they aren’t beauty queens either and that’s just fine with them. They value substance, intelligence, and practical over the latest styles. They know stuff, interesting stuff and want to talk about all kinds of things that make for interesting conversations besides talking endlessly about themselves and their problems. They tend to be more caring and loyal. They are usually better lovers because they know they can’t rely on stellar looks to attract a guy, let alone keep him interested. When the going gets tough, 6’s will have your back while the 10 will be worried about messing up her hair.
So, let your hair down. Relax. When it comes to really good men, the only perfect woman is the one that makes him feel like a million bucks, not the one that looks like it’s going to cost him a million bucks to keep around.
