Why trying to convince a woman to say Yes when she’s already said No is a huge mistake.

Guys, when a woman says “No” she means NO because either she’s just not interested or she’s got a gut feeling that keeps her out of danger.  Most women are naturally intuitive in this regard.  It goes beyond religious or cultural conditioning. It goes beyond sexual attitudes and experience.  It’s fundamentally a survival instinct that you are wise to respect instead of working hard to convince her to come around to your agenda.

For example, Mario and Lisa met at a networking event.  They had a nice chat at the event and exchanged contact information.  The next day, Mario sent a Facebook message to Lisa.  She had given him her full name and phone number, not her Facebook information.  When she received the message, her little heart skipped a beat. Not because she was excited to hear from him but because the action indicated that he’d been checking around to see what he could find out about her on the internet. Red flag number one for Lisa.

A few days later, they met at a local coffee shop.  It’s always advised to meet in a neutral, safe, public place when meeting someone you don’t know and, especially someone who doesn’t come with references from your trusted circle of friends or business acquaintances. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

Mario seemed like a nice fella.  They connected in several key areas such as spirituality and having healthy open attitudes about sexuality.  Lisa was a confident, beautiful, feminine woman and Mario found her to be exceptionally attractive.  His boyish enthusiasm appealed to Lisa but there was something about him that made her feel hesitant.  Maybe it was how he got into her personal space way too soon or how he seemed fixated on her legs and skirt. She couldn’t place her finger on it but she knew to not ignore it because, in the past, every time she second-guessed her intuition and tried to reason her way out of playing it safe, she regretted it.

When it was time to go, Mario said he had something for her.  He was vague but said he really wanted her to have it.  As they walked in the direction of his car, he headed for the stairs to go to the lower level of the parking lot.  Now, bells and whistles were going off in Lisa’s head but she played it cool and said she’d wait for him to go get what he needed to get. There was no way she was going risk her safety by into a dark parking structure to a stranger’s car, no matter how innocent the reason. 

As he ascended the stairs, brochures in one hand, he stopped and looked up at her. As he complimented her on her beautiful legs, he reached out to touch the skin on her inner thigh.  Again, Lisa found this disturbing and she was glad she insisted on waiting in full public view while he went to his car. 

While there wasn’t anything exactly awful about his behavior, there was a way about him that was pushy. He took liberties with trying to gaze up her skirt when they were sitting at coffee.  He had his cell phone in hand the entire time and, in hindsight, she wondered if he was secretly filming her legs and trying to get an upskirt view based on the position he held the phone.

Before walking to his car, Mario asked Lisa to join him for dinner the following week. They agreed to meet at the restaurant.  The next day, Mario messaged Lisa and suggested she come to his place instead. He wanted to cook her dinner.  Lisa immediately felt uncomfortable with this and told him No. She said she didn’t know him and that her safety was her number one concern.  They needed to stick to the original plan if he wanted to see her.

Mario then began to push back hard, trying to convince her that he was safe. He even offered to send her a copy of his driver’s license so she could let her children know where she was going.  He insisted that he was safe and that no harm would come to her. The more he argued his case, the more Lisa felt a sense of terror grow inside her. She politely but firmly declined, repeatedly saying the only thing she felt comfortable with was meeting at the restaurant as originally agreed.  That’s what she said but as soon as she offered it, she realized that she didn’t want to see him again.  She didn’t like feeling pressured into doing something she didn’t feel comfortable with.  To her, his pushy behavior and refusal to take “No” for an answer reminded her of other men who she’d had problems with. His behavior especially reminded her of the man who had raped her, years ago.

Now, in all fairness, Mario didn’t really do anything “wrong” other than be overly pushy and conduct himself in ways that are typical of predatory behavior. Besides that, he came across as an incredibly nice, genuine fella. In fact, he was overly nice and tried way too hard to convince her he would not harm her if she came to his house. FYI: Being overly nice and overly flattering are tactics used by predators to disarm women and get them in a vulnerable situation. For Lisa, the signs were there, including the “overly nice” part. Lisa followed her intuition instead of trying to rationalize and second-guess her gut reactions. She decided it was better to be safe than risk becoming another statistic.

As a result, Mario’s excessive efforts to convince her to change her mind about coming to his house instead of honoring her expressed boundaries completely backfired on him whether he is a real good guy or not.. Lisa opted to follow her gut instinct and sent a message later that evening – cancelling altogether.

It’s one thing to take the lead as a man, it’s another to be pushy and not take “No” for an answer. 

No reason or justification is required to accompany the no when a woman tells you no. No is No. You don’t want to convince someone to see you. You only want to see a person who is totally excited and into you.  Sometimes the No is because of bad timing. Sometimes it’s too soon to do what it is that you are asking. Sometimes it’s that the other person just isn’t into you. It doesn’t matter why. If you want another chance, be respectful and considerate. It’s acceptable to ask if it’s ok to keep in touch and try again but this is delicate territory so be prepared for rejection.  If no reason is offered, you can assume she’s just not that into you and doesn’t want to get into an awkward conversation about it. Let it go. Let her go.  Move on.

Fellas, don’t make the mistake of being so macho that you end up being another #metoo statistic.  Be the man you would want your daughter to date, not the other kind of guy. No may be “not now” or it may be “no way in hell” but no is still no when she says No.  If you can’t understand and respect when a woman tells you that then you must be some special kind of stupid. And, if that’s the case, your relationship skills are greatly in need of improvement if you ever want to form a deep, meaningful, sexy relationship with any woman.